State of Stand

I used to be a rigid feminist. So rigid that I named every guy in my class a different scrubs name during my university years. I just hate them all. They all are assholes.

The truth is; I used to have guys for best buddies during my primary & secondary school years. I enjoy hanging out with them, playing soccer, building paper rockets, pulling pranks. Back then I guess I don’t find it wrong to be rough (not that now I think it is). Even when my teacher asked us to form a group for any school projects, I’d choose at least 2 guys to be in my group, if it’s a 4 people per group thing. They create balance, don’t you think?

Towards the end of primary school, when we were like 11 or 12, my best friend then (a girl) developed a certain animosity towards male species. She refused to be in a team with me for a cooking competition just because I wanted to be part of my usual “well-balanced” school project group. She wanted to be in an all girl group. I wouldn’t call it hate though. It’s a silly little syndrome called shyness. Well, u know some of us gotten our period as early as 12 & those girls started to notice boys as an actual different being altogether. Our so-called “assets” started to develop, thus triggering more needs to succumb to the shyness virus. Somehow I didn’t catch the virus & puzzled sick on why were my friends acting all strange. I think this happened because I can’t actually comprehend discrimination well. This scenario continued up until I finish secondary school. 5 or 6 years of frantic confusion.

Then it was time to go to the university. I find the culture is so disturbing. The guys there are total assholes. I can no longer tolerate them. Although hate could be a little strong to describe the feeling, but I think I was feeling just that; sheer hate. I find them irritating. They always tried to downgrade girls. It was almost like they see us as a second class citizen. They try to make fun of us at any possible opportunity. At one point, I just can’t take it anymore. On normal occasion, I’d just shut up & look at them with disgust while they make fun of my girl classmates, reserving the hate-thought to myself. But, at a very supposedly another normal day, they try to pull the same trick on me. Man, they sure don’t know with whom they are fucking with. I was doing a presentation on an I-don’t-remember-what topic during my English class, when this thin, mamak-looking boy tried to question my credibility. Hello, I’m the only one at my school whom actually get a cert for 1119 okay. So, I yelled at him top of my lung & say something like “if you would just listen first before asking your stupid fucking question, you might just benefit from what I am trying to put through your thick skull. Now, shut up & listen asshole!” Well yeah, I add up the f & a word here for dramatic effect. But one thing for sure, nobody dare to interrupt me on any of my presentation from that moment on. They started to nickname me “garang”. The hell with them. At least they didn’t nickname me “gedik” like a few of my poor girl classmates get. This is the point where I started to nickname them scrubs name too. Those assholes. Now you know why I don’t keep in contact with any of my guy classmates or batch mates for that matter. They event make me resent the question of marriage. I was so sure that becoming a spinster for life is much better that being with one of those losers.

It gets a bit better when I started working. I regain my trust with men & can actually start to hangout with them again. Even though I can no longer catch up with them to play soccer, I can still join them for other activities like treasure hunting, eco-challenge & paintball. I was the only girl on my team when we were crowned champion during a paintball event held by my company then. I feel like I was back in school again. That was a few years back. Nothing changes much since.

I'm not really the type whom ends a post with “the moral of the story is…” cuz I believe that there ain’t really any. So I’m just gonna end this here. The end.